Written by James Ryan
“Certainly, it seems true enough that there’s a good deal of irony in the world… I mean, if you live in a world full of politicians and advertising, there’s obviously a lot of deception.”—Kenneth Koch
There’s nothing I look forward to at the end of a long day more than a nice cold pint of Guinness, and I always try to make sure that I have a few extra cans stocked up in the fridge to get me through the week (usually one per day suits me just fine) in preparation for thirst-quenching emergencies such as the one that I’m currently experiencing at this very moment.
Earlier this evening, I was out running errands, and I made a point to stop by the local LCBO (that’s what we call our liquor store here in Ontario, Canada) to pick up some Guinness for later on, but instead of getting my usual cans, I decided that I would pick up a six-pack of the bottles instead.
Why the change?
Well truthfully, I had never actually tried the Guinness from a bottle until just a few weeks ago when I was visiting my friend Jay at his place in Burlington, and I was quite impressed with the overall quality of the stout, as compared to that from either the can or from the draught tap at the local pub (which of course, is ideal).
A few hours later, I got home and I couldn’t wait to crack into one. I was a bit surprised however, after I had popped the cap (don’t worry, no one got shot…yet) and poured the stout into a glass, that the head and overall texture of the stout just wasn’t looking the same as usual. Within about a minute, the entire head had completely dissipated and the beer was looking unbelievably flat.
Now, for anyone out there who actually drinks Guinness, you know that the head generally sits around for the full duration of the time that it takes to drink the entire pint (which hopefully isn’t very long), and so I knew immediately that something just wasn’t right.
“Was it a bad bottle?” I wondered.
So I got up and went back to the kitchen to compare the case from the cans to that of the bottles, and much to my shock and disappointment, printed in very small lettering on the bottom of the case said:
Labatt Brewing Company
Labatt Brewing Company?! Was this a joke?! All Guinness is bottled and shipped directly from Ireland. Anyone who drinks it, knows this!
So I Googled it. And wouldn’t you know it? The very first review of Labatt’s so-called new version of Guinness, stated the following:
“The Bottom Line: Labatt’s Guinness ES’ tastes more like a ‘Bud’ or ‘Labatt’s Blue,’ but definitely not a ‘Guinness.’ It lacks the rich, distinctive flavor of the original.”
So I quickly ran back to the living room, and sampled it for myself…and guess what? BINGO!!!
That description couldn’t have been any more spot on. It’s absolutely disgusting. And now, not only don’t I have a Guinness to drink (again, one of the highlights of my day that I really look forward to), but I’m also out the money that I paid for this swill, which as soon as I’m done typing this scathing review, will all get dumped down my kitchen sink drain.
I’d consider giving this beer to a homeless dude, but given the fact that it’s near freezing outside, I think it’s safe to say that on a night like tonight, the homeless have suffered enough for one day.
Don’t buy it!
Bar Tip of the Day: Try sticking golf tees into the pour spouts of liquor bottles to keep the fruit flies out.