Dear “Old Farts” in the UFC (Satire)

James Ryan

Dear “Old Farts” in the UFC,

As a famous athlete, I know that you may naively think that how you live your own life is no one else’s business, but on behalf of all ‘loyal’ UFC and MMA fans, I feel that I have an obligation and a right to express (and influence) any concern that I may feel about how you should choose to exist on this planet.

You say that you are in the best shape of your life? So what? Didn’t you get the memo? Dude – you’re old.

You are not currently the Champion and I am not at all convinced that you will ever be able to compete at the highest level in this sport again – despite still being better than 95% of the fighters that are out there today (but if you do become the Champ, don’t worry, I will be back on my bandwagon cheering you on and telling everyone else “I told you so! I told you he was the best!”).

First off, let me dispel any myth that you may have about yourself. You are not as old as you feel – you are worthless beyond a pre-determined point in your life that society decides that they no longer have a use for you. In the case of a professional contact fighter, I would say 36 is the maximum age limit. Nope – make that 35.

Second, stop messing with my memories. I have invested countless hours eating potato chips in front of my television worshipping the ground that you walk(ed) on. Why are you purposely trying to ruin that? Who do you think you are?!

Third, your involvement in any competitive and professional sport is offensive to us all. You have already had your chance to live the dream that many of us would never have the courage or skill level to pursue. Your happiness insults me.

Lastly, I am not here to be entertained. I take MMA extremely seriously and although I have an inferiority complex about my sport and I am completely insecure about myself, I trust in my heart that the ‘powers that be’ are incredibly committed to making MMA a ‘legitimate’ sport in the eyes of the entire world. Since day one, it’s never been about the money!

OMG, this just in… did somebody say that ex-NFLer, Herschel Walker is planning to try his hand at MMA at the age of 47? Is he insane?!!

Just because it has always been a dream of his to ‘try it’, that doesn’t give him the right to upset the ‘pure’ fans by bringing his football career into the ring. He has established himself as an elite athlete in another sport. Shouldn’t that be enough to satisfy him for the whole remainder of his life? Selfish.

Even worse, if Herschel fails to win a championship, how will he ever get over the shame of ‘trying his best’? He should stop wasting everyone’s time (especially mine) and just give up before he even starts. After all, that’s how I’ve lived my life and I’ve got no complaints. Look at me…I get to observe and criticize others for having the talent and courage to attempt things in their life that I couldn’t possibly imagine.

I find it astonishing that you must think that you still have some level of value in our society. Why don’t you just ‘play ball’ like every other retired athlete and let us worship you from afar, up high on the pedestal that we have built for you, for accomplishments that fail to define your worth as a man.

Thanks for understanding. Good luck collecting dust.

James “Petty and Jealous” Ryan

PS Sorry if this is too ‘in your face’, but I say; “To each his own. Do what you want. Mind your own business. If you don’t like it – too bad for you.”

Next time, I’ll try to be more diplomatic.

James Ryan
James Ryan

jake and dad

15 Comments

  1. James

    Before you get too crazy, just know that I wrote this as a jab at all of the fickle critics that seem to be so busy worrying about other people's lives.

    Go Brett Favre!!!

  2. rory_one

    Somebody should have told much of this to Frank Shramrock a LONG time ago. Oh Jose Canseco, lets not even talk about that guy.

  3. James

    Hi Rory,

    Thanks for reading my article and taking the time to leave a comment. Next time, I will try to lay the sarcasm on a little thicker LOL

    I do agree that Shamrock hung on too long. He's a bit “punchy”.

    Jose Canseco…. hmmmm…. hard to feel sorry for this guy. At least, I felt that way until I watched his documentary. What a sad outcome for a top athlete. MLBaseball really turned their back on him and the only reason he came out with the 'tell-all' book was because of how he was used as a scapegoat by the league. Canseco was hardly the only offender.

    Remember that steroids were still fairly unknown in the 80's and using them was much more common in sports and in your local gym. It still is.

    Cheers
    James

  4. Ingrid

    LOL… funniest sentence in this entire article:

    “I get to observe and criticize others for having the talent and courage to attempt things in their life that I couldn’t possibly imagine.”

    :D

  5. Paul

    “Second, stop messing with my memories. I have invested countless hours eating potato chips in front of my television worshipping the ground that you walk(ed) on. Why are you purposely trying to ruin that? Who do you think you are?”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  6. Jim

    “To each his own. Do what you want. Mind your own business. If you don’t like it—too bad for you.”

    Can't that be applied to the “over-the-hill” fighters you so obviously loathe?

  7. James

    Hi Jim,

    Thanks for reading my article and taking the time to leave a comment.

    Next time, I will try to lay the sarcasm on a little thicker LOL

    I listed this article under 'Humour' (Canadian spelling) because this was my way of poking fun at the critics who seem to think that they are somehow entitled to speak out on how another person should get to live their life….which I am against.

    Check out my article from UFC 102 and you will see that I am most definitely not against older fighters. To me, age should not be an issue.

    http://bleacherreport.com/articles/245165-ufc-1

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion – that's why we are here – to write about and express our opinions. Right? Fine.

    What drives me crazy, is when some people think that others should stop living out their dreams or stop doing something that they love doing.

    Is it really out of genuine concern for the athlete?? Not from the blogs that I have been reading.

    My idea started when everyone was criticizing Brett Favre. If he can still play, why should it matter how old he is? What business is it of anyone else's if he retires, stays retired, plays, retires again, etc…?

    Heck, if I were Brett Favre, I'd want to keep playing for as long as possible and too bad for the fans and their “tainted memories”. Even at a diminished capacity, these one-time super star athletes are still better than most.

    PLUS – I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED!! I want to see the big names.

    My final statement was the only true expression about how I feel. “To each his own. Do what you want. Mind your own business. If you don’t like it—too bad for you.”

    Hope you understand.
    JR

  8. E. Spencer

    Nicely done…

  9. E. Spencer

    Alright, I'm back for more after re-reading your comments on my piece…

    I don't understand why some people, in this case you, always want to go to the “I get to observe and criticize others for having the talent and courage to attempt things in their life that I couldn’t possibly imagine” angle.

    Just because someone isn't a fighter doesn't mean they can't hold an opinion on the subject. That is what writers do. It's not about courage and the fact that you and many others bring it there comes off as a sense of superiority, which is ridiculous.

    I don't fight because the idea of getting punched in the face repeatedly doesn't interest me. That doesn't mean that I haven't spent years following the sport, educating myself on the entire industry and forming opinions about fighters that are fair, valid and deserving of being heard. It just means I don't like getting punched in the face.

    I know this isn't directed at me personally, so, despite the forthcoming use of I, I'll be making my stand for everyone who is lumped into this “courage-less, basement dwelling, opinionated mass” you disagree with…

    Having a different opinion is cool. In fact, it's beneficial, as we can have discussions like this. The problem, as I see it, is where I gave my personal opinion on the future of three greats and paid them just tribute in doing so, you're simply saying that we don't deserve to hold our opinion because we're not fighters and how dare we say what we feel when we've never stepped into a ring…

    At least that's how it always comes off to me…

  10. James

    Hi Spencer,

    I think that I may have inadvertently hit a nerve because I was absolutely not suggesting that only someone with a fighting background (such as myself) should speak or give opinions on MMA. That would be silly…

    I can see how you may have taken it that way, but my comments were more directed at all of the fickle fans who most definitely have no clue what it takes to pursue a dream of this magnitude.

    This isn't about fighting or not fighting.

    It’s about living your life to the fullest, regardless of what other people think of your intentions or motives.

    For me, this really started with Brett Favre and has grown immensely since reading all of the comments and blogs after the fights this weekend.

    ‘Fans’, like children, can be very cruel. I wanted my article to be that “light of hope” for any aging athlete (who wouldn’t take himself too seriously) that may take offence to the harsh criticisms about their age (apparently Cro Cop couldn’t stand the heat, so he got out of the kitchen – which is a real shame because he deserves more respect than that).

    A lot of unfair comments were made (not saying that you are included with that, which is exactly why I wanted to give you the head's up and an apology in advance).

    Only the athlete in question should decide and have a say in when would be the best time to walk away from a sport that they have contributed so much.

    No one else.

    JR

    PS
    When I first joined a few weeks back, I read an article by Dorothy Willis which had to do with Michael Vick (another issue I am quite passionate about). I loved your comments and I am now permanently turned off from any of her articles. I just won’t read them.

    I like that we can discuss and disagree. I would never put you down because you don’t share my same opinion. All that means is that I have to do a better job in selling my view points – which in turn will make me a better writer. Thank you.

  11. Jim

    While it was very entertaining reading this article thinking you were serious, I agree with some users that a sarcasm font needs to be invented. This article would come across so much easier if it were spoken, but there's that “lost in translation” quality to simply having it in print. Having you point out the apparently obvious that I missed out on, it's a much more entertaining article to read. Good job and please forgive the misread. ;)

  12. Joseph

    HAHA! I like your dry humor piece, James.

    I'm an over-the-hill tennis coach. I'm so old that when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick! So now my gi hangs in my closet, collecting more spider webs than Miss Havisham's wedding cake!

    But at age 52, and wearing all of 178 pounds draped over a 6ft frame, I still beat younger, stronger, and bigger muscle-heads in arm-wrestling on a regular basis. So Instead of complaining about the aches and pains of old age, I embrace the aging process by keeping those young whippersnappers in their place.

    Here's to hoping that everyone else has it as easy as I do when they hit 52!

    Now my wife wants me to join her bridge club. I jump next Tuesday!

  13. James

    Thanks Joseph,
    I definitely hope that I'm in as good as shape as you and share your attitude towards life at 52.
    Thanks for reading and taking the time to leave a comment.
    JR

  14. James

    Thanks Jim, I'm glad that you liked it.

    The day after I posted it, I thought “Geez, posting on Bleacher isn't like posting on my website…these people don't know me. What if they don't know that I was kidding?” LOL

    You're not the only one who didn't realize at first. I had hoped that by being completely absurd that it would be obvious, but not really. I like the font idea :)

    Cheers
    JR

  15. James

    Oops sorry Frank, I meant Ken (not that that's any better) :)

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